GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS!

As stupid as I am dumb, almost all of the money I’ve ever earned

in my lifetime, albeit I’ve always been a minimum wage type of earner, has gone to

these three fine and noble professions.

I

was around nineteen years old and still a virgin the first time I went to a strip

club (The Admiral Theater in Chicago), although I never actually went in as I

chickened out and sat in my friend’s car the entire night. I don’t even remember

whose idea it was but I’m sure I wasn’t against it as there was no way in the world

I would’ve have passed up a sure fire opportunity to be surrounded by beautiful and

completely naked women. I remember, oddly enough, going there on a fall night

sometime in the month of October because the Philadelphia Phillies were playing and

would eventually lose to, the Toronto Blue Jays in the world series of baseball and

that’s what I was listening to as I impatiently sat inside my friend’s car waiting

for my buddies to come out.

One

of the reasons I didn’t go inside with them, besides being a complete moron, was I

idiotically didn’t bring enough money with me to cover the entrance fee into the

strip club as it was way too expensive for me and my meager income at the time, I

believe the cover charge was somewhere around $20 dollars along with a two drink

minimum if I remember right. But the main reason I didn’t go into the strip club

that night, regardless of what the cover charge might have been, was because of the

uncontrollable heartbreak and immediate sense of loss I was feeling after having

recently fallen head over heels in love with a woman who didn’t feel the same way

about me. I pathetically felt like sulking at the very last minute and not even

fully nude strippers could cheer me up.

A

few years later and none the wiser or richer, I was generously invited by some of my

male coworkers to go with them to a fully nude strip club, coincidentally the same

strip club as the previous one I’d almost went inside years earlier, and since I

just started working for this company, I thought it was in my best interest to

attend seeing as how I really liked the job and a lot of my fellow warehousemen

would be there. I figured this would help solidify my standing as one of the guys

and hopefully ensure a rung for me on the corporate ladder so essentially it was

nothing more than a glorified business meeting which just so happened to include a

lot of beautiful and fully naked women.

So

after meeting at a coworker’s apartment and shooting the shit for awhile, we crammed

into a couple of overcrowded cars and made our way down to the strip club as a

caravan of hopeful and aspiring erections. During the long and extremely

uncomfortable ride there, I kept thinking about wanting to make a good impression on

the guys as I wanted them to see a side of me they never saw at work, a side that

was outgoing, wild, and macho...a side that wasn’t me.

Once

we were all safely inside and enclosed within the loud, pulsating walls of what some

people would call, a sinner’s church, we were quickly escorted by a bevy of

impressive and bewitching young ladies to a group seating area where some of my

overanxious and giddy coworkers were eagerly greeted and assaulted with a barrage of

seemingly insincere hugs and kisses from a small group of “dancers” who spotted them

upon entering. Apparently this wasn’t there first time here I gathered.





Within

minutes after collectively settling into our seats and ordering the first of our two

drink minimum, the strippers were slowly and methodically introduced one by one on

the main stage of the strip club, sort of like baseball players at the beginning of

an all star game, while my coworkers and I arose from our seats and let out a series

of hoots, hollers, and whistles Al Bundy would have been proud of. As we did so, I

couldn’t stop staring at a tall, tan, and extremely fit blonde woman on the left

side of the main stage. She was doing something with her body I’d never seen a

woman do before nor did I think was possible, she was bouncing and flexing her

voluptuous and tantalizing breasts in a beautiful and seductive show of body control

and...artistry. I’d seen professional wrestlers do it on television before but

never a woman, yet alone a beautiful, naked woman. It was so silly yet utterly

fascinating to me. Years later and by complete chance, I would run into this same

boob bouncing stripper of mine inside an adult massage parlor where things got a

little more personal and intimate between the two of us but that’s another story for

another day.

Since I couldn’t afford a single dance yet alone a conversation from

any of the strippers, I just settled back and watched most of my coworkers get them

all night. All I had to do was look to my immediate left or right when they were

getting their dances and it was almost as if I were getting one as well. There was

barely any contact or touching, if any at all, between the customers and strippers

so there really wasn’t a need to even pay for a dance. The strippers were

constantly slithering and prancing about the club fully naked so if anyone wanted to

see a particular dancer or two completely nude, all they had to do was look around

for a while before they’d eventually get to see every stripper fully naked.

With

a carousal of beautiful, naked women in every direction and the Motley Crue song

girls, girls, girls blasting from the speakers, life couldn’t get any better I

thought as I blissfully leaned backward in my seat, savoring every second of the

moment. Then sure enough and as clairvoyant as I am intelligent, life got a little

better as a gorgeous, petite brunette seductively strolled her way towards me with

an enchanting and penis piercing glare in her eye and a sexy sway in her step

indicating she was a bad, bad girl who wanted to do bad, bad things to me. Much to

my chagrin, she stopped directly in front of my chair, turned to her left to face

me, and then looked directly into my eyes while slowly removing her black, silk-like

bra. I embarrassingly told her, before she could fully undress herself, I didn’t

have enough money to pay her for a dance and I fully expected her to stop in

disbelief over my thriftiness but instead she leaned forward and gently whispered

into my ear, one of my generous coworkers had already paid for my dance.

While grinning from ear to ear and trying like the devil to contain

my childish giggling to a minimum, I glanced to my right and saw the satisfactory

smirk of a coworker who had just committed a simple but wonderful act of kindness

much in the same way Jesus did back in the day, albeit in different sort of way. My

coworker had set an example for me to follow as he demonstrated and showcased love

for one another and come to think of it, who needed to go to church with heartwarming

lessons like this to be learned inside the touchy-feely walls of strip clubs

everywhere. I was so touched and overcome with gratitude and love I wanted to

immediately wrap my arms around him and give him a hug but being the gentleman I

was, I thought it would be rather rude and impolite not to enjoy his generosity and

kindness before doing so.

The

stripper he beckoned for me was a talented and eloquent dancer among other notable

things, in fact so much so I noticed most of my colleagues were staring at her with

bobbing heads of approval and open mouths of drool cascading down their lustful

faces. This was it I thought as she swayed back and forth in front of me, now could

be my one and only chance to finally do something so totally uncharacteristic and

wild I’d surly earn my coworker’s respect and admiration immediately afterwards. So

without warning or stopping to think about the consequences of my actions, I sprang

from my seat like a jack-in-the-box and let out a lifetime’s worth of high pitched

grunts and screams as I naively attempted to dance with a completely naked stripper.

Needless to say, it was a foolish and idiotic move on my part as not

only did she look me over with a complete look of disgust on her face, but she also

stepped away from me in horror and said,

“Settle down and sit the fuck

back down or else I’ll get security!”

Judging from the stunned and bewildered looks on most of my

coworker’s faces, I had definitely caught them off guard with my Neanderthal

behavior. So like a scolded kid who had just been given a timeout at a birthday

party, I sat slumped in my chair in an embarrassed silence for the remainder of the

night although in the grand scheme of things, even though I made a complete jackass

out of myself, the outing served its purpose by unofficially making me one of the

guys.

I

wish I could say that was my last and only venture into an adult establishment and

all’s well that ends well...but it wasn’t. In fact, it was only just the beginning.

To be continued…

P.S. This is about as G-rated a story as I’ll be able to write

concerning my seemingly countless adventures or misadventures if you will, with

adult entertainers. It’ll only get raunchier, nastier, and more disgusting from

here on out.